Negative album reviews

Here's a doozy I came across for an album I entered into the queue:

[www.deathmetal.org] http://www.deathmetal.org/news/creeping-revenant-2015/

I can see how the reviewer might not enjoy music when his approach to articles has more in common with academic papers.

Came across this 0% review linked by pin_punk in queue and had to listen to the album. The review's gotten enough attention to become the top Google result about the thing:

[www.metal-archives.com] http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/Bunkur/Nullify/246449/

Usually I like this sort of stuff, but this is a bit wacky. At times it's as if the vocalists are competing to see which one of them sounds like they're in more pain. The guitars wish they were radio static or idling buses. If I go back and listen to some of the other 70min+ drone/doom tracks I've been meaning to hear again I'll get a better perspective on this one.

This got a right clobbering even considering it's a demo, haha:

[www.metal-archives.com] https://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/Watain/Go_Fuck_Your_Jewish_%22God%22/3303...

"At first, it's like listening to a smash-up car derby through a concrete wall. Then, it's like miking up the toilet seats in an absinthe bar and listening to it through a concrete wall. After that, it's like listening to a concrete wall through a concrete wall."

"A particularly fun thing about it is that each song sounds like shit in a different way. One song is just complete, inaudible chaos, in one, the drums aren't there at all, while in one the horribly out-of-synch bass drum is the prominent feature, etc etc."

[www.yellowgreenred.com] http://www.yellowgreenred.com/?p=6904 is one of my favorite reviews:

Möbius Strip Step Down 7″ (Left Out)
The cover art of this Möbius Strip single had me on high alert before I even put it on, as so much about the layout and design screams “bad Fearless Records band from the late ’90s”, from the label’s cheesy logo to the high school art-show image of a chess piece on its side. I’ll give it to Möbius Strip that they don’t sound like Blount and Glue Gun (look them up if you dare!), but they pretty much suck just the same. They do kind of a “melodic emo-rock with screamed vocals” thing, with a very direct and bothersome bass sound, even though I get the impression they’d love to be the next At The Drive-In (who, come to think about it, were on Fearless!). Only problem is the singer isn’t good at singing and is just okay at screaming, and the songs are mostly boring and performed with the passion of a Driver’s Education final exam. This 7″ bums me out on music more than any Brighter Death Now or Corrupted record ever did, so maybe if you want to look at this as an oblique art provocation, it’s a success. Otherwise, well…

That Möbius Strip review is great. Nice work, Mark.

Anonymous user reviews can be clumsy, brutal and spot on, like the one I've just stumbled upon:
[rateyourmusic.com] https://rateyourmusic.com/release/album/viking-crown/banished-rhythmic-hate/
"Phil Anselmo's pathetic attempt to make a band that sounds like Darkthrone. For some reason he thought all you needed to do is produce it badly and you have a black metal masterpiece, this record is so boring it's unreal"

[witchdoctor.co.nz] http://witchdoctor.co.nz/index.php/2018/07/the-de-evolution-of-rap/
"Drake not only raps about himself most of the time but raps songs about rapping songs about himself. It's like being stuck on the side-lines of the set of the worst reality show where you get to see exactly how vain and conceited the stars really are, and still wanting to give them a blow-job."

That Drake review is funny. That's Drake-ception right there. Rapping about himself rapping about himself. Next level stuff.

Casual ones like these can be great:
[rateyourmusic.com] https://rateyourmusic.com/release/album/entrance/entrance/
"Dime a dozen late 70s fusion. If you've heard one before, then this isn't likely to do much for you. For those that can't get enough, here's another album to overdose on."

There are some cracking lines in here:
[pitchfork.com] https://pitchfork.com/reviews/albums/the-smashing-pumpkins-shiny-and-oh-so-brigh...

"In the annals of ’90s bands that have reunited to thrust a new album into the void where inspiration used to be: Shiny might contain the least imagination, the least personality, the least effort, the least love.
...
there is no songwriting to speak of, and during its barren, 31 minutes you cannot hear a single decision being made.
...
Corgan’s lyrics scan as if they have been translated into numerical code and back into words again.
...
Shiny is an album-shaped unit with nothing inside, and the only thing I know for certain is that nobody cares about it, least of all its creators."

"Album-shaped unit" is nice, recalling various "book-shaped" literary burns, e.g.:

[thebaffler.com] https://thebaffler.com/latest/tom-hanks-typewriter-fetishist-mccormack
"This book-shaped object made of cardboard and paper was never going to be a _book_ exactly."

Most often i admire this kind of stuff, but this can be a bit wacky. Every now and then it is as if the vocalists are competing to see which one of them feels like they are in additional affliction.

This one was helpful, now I'm not really curious anymore:
[www.imdb.com] https://www.imdb.com/review/rw3644490/?ref_=ur_urv

Excellent one:
[archive.org] https://archive.org/stream/caustic_truths_80/caustic_truths_80_djvu.txt
"STEEL TOE SOLUTION-S/T (Headache Records) Blah... shitty generic queer bashing crap from the morons at Headache... the interesting thing is, this crap gives me one. Songs like “Dick in the Dirt” and “Slave” are sure to make all the meatheads happy. They almost made me laugh with “Wrong Side of the Pond” Quote: “Why the limey accent and the silly words spoken/last time I checked you grew up in Hoboken” sorta funny right? Then of course you have “You sucking on a FAG [sic] or motherfucking cigarette” oh well... thus is Oi...if they could spell oi that is..."

[mrjimijam.com] http://mrjimijam.com/ConcertReviews12.html is a review I just found, eight years after the fact, of one of my band's shows.

After a quick set change, locals Mobius Strip took the stage and they were yet another hardcore power trio who bludgeoned the melody out of their songs a little more gracefully than Outlook, but alas, sadly their vocals were just as incomprehensible as the first band, but I think they were also political in nature. The bassist/vocalist Frank Gomez laid down a nice groove with an inventive little hook, he would have sounded better with a more skillful drummer because Shane Carwile just seemed to bash away haphazardly without a sense of rhythm or timing and guitarist/vocalist Mark Kennedy seemed to sound like a giant buzzing generator as he slashed at his guitar. However, I did enjoy their third song "Safe" which was about the sexual bullshit women have to endure on a daily basis from harassment to rape. I could actually understand Frank's insightful lyrics but the damn clattering drummer really got on my nerves, he should concentrate on his playing rather than the constipated faces he seemed to really enjoy making as he drummed away. Their fourth song was an instrumental called "For Better", which is rare with a hardcore band, however it is my favorite one of their seven-song set, but I could not wait until they were finished.